Flying

By Mark Kahanek

My fear of flying ran very deep. Like many of you I flew fine during my childhood years only to lose that innocence somewhere in my teen years. By the time I reached ninth grade I was terrified of flying. There was no way that I would ever get on a plane again. For many years after that family members knew not to even mention planes or flying around me as they knew it would be an exercise in futility. As the years passed by I lived my life stuck in one city and unable to travel without a lot of driving. In 1991 and 1992 I drove round trip from Houston to Las Vegas. In those years I didn’t have a problem with it, as I knew the only alternative was to fly which of course was not an alternative at all. Yes it took me burning two weeks of vacation for basically one week of non-driving related vacationing, but I didn’t care. I was not flying so all was right with the world. My lowest point came when I took a girlfriend to the airport to fly home to visit her parents. She asked me to walk with her to the gate so of course I did. While I was in the airport I noticed that I was more tense than usual, but I dismissed it. When we arrived at the gate she asked the gate attendant if I could carry her bag on the plane. I immediately began sweating and entering into full panic mode. I was not even flying, but I was petrified. I was quite relieved when the attendant said that was not permitted. It was at this point that I realized I would never fly again. How can anyone bring himself or herself out of a fear that ran so deep that you would panic when you are not the one even flying? I left the airport that day happy that I was not flying and happy knowing that it really didn’t matter to me.

Time continued to pass in my life. My career continued to build and was at a stand still because to advance any higher would require travel. I was now thirty and had not taken a trip outside Texas in almost ten years. Time no longer permitted me to drive great distances for vacation. I started to realize that I was missing out on a lot in life. I was missing out on vacations and I was missing out on job promotions because I was not doing what millions of people do every year.

In September of 2000 my girlfriend and I were talking about vacationing. She mentioned Cancun, Paris, and all sorts of other places. My pulse quickened with each destination mentioned. After talking about it for a while we got into an argument that eventually ended our relationship. It was all over the fear of flying and my unwillingness to fly. This event along with many years of grounding started some wheels in motion. I started dreaming about Tropical vacations, or walks in Paris. I started realizing that I was missing a lot. One night I was lying in bed and imagining myself as an 80-year-old man having missed out on life and travel because of my fear. 80 years old and looking back at life unable to rewind, unable to do anything different. I tell you what. The fear that this instilled made flying fears pale in comparison. I now realized it was time to fly.

In November 2000 My mom was scheduled to fly to San Francisco to meet a friend of ours and drive her back from a successful surgery. During the months leading up to this she and my friend mentioned it would be great if I could go. They both knew of course that it was not going to happen. Then one day at work seven days before my mom was to depart I made a decision. It was time to face this fear. Seven days before she left. I made a decision and I booked a ticket one way to Reno Nevada to meet them and drive back. Ok, that was step one. Panic was setting in. First thing I was going to have to do is buy a new set of Fruit of the Looms for I was certainly going to need them. Then I went to the bookstore and bought Flying without Fear and read it cover to cover. I saw my doctor and explained to him my fear and he prescribed Xanax .5mg. I surfed the net about fear of flying and found several message boards dedicated to this fear. I read and I read and found a lot of comfort in that I was not alone in this fear. I also found a lot of information from pilots about planes and systems and how safe those aircraft really are. For me information helped quite a bit.

Ok, it is the night before. For those of you that are terrified of flying you know the feelings the night before. They are hard to describe. The feeling of doom the feeling of you will not be on this earth twenty four hours from now. The inability to see your future, as you would want it to be. I eventually fell asleep that night only to have my alarm go off what seemed like seconds later. It was flight day. My mom was already in San Francisco. She had her cell phone and I had mine. She wanted me to call if I cancelled, we both were fairly sure I was. My roommate and I got in my car and we headed to the airport. My pulse was off the scale. I was terrified, but at the same time confident. I knew on this day I would face a fear. I would stare a demon in the eyes. We arrived at the airport and I got my bags. I walked into the airport, as I have not done in 17 years. I walked in as a passenger. I went through the lines and got my ticket. I walked down the terminal and got my boarding pass. It was becoming quite real now. I took my Xanax and waited. I called my mom on the cell and told her I was scared, but I was ready. She was so excited on the other end. She said call when I was on the plane. We hung up. The Xanax at this point started kicking in. Xanax if you have never taken it is an anti-anxiety medication. For me it was quite effective. It is a very calming drug that kind of dissipates full-blown panic attacks before they start. Boarding time. I held the third group of numbers for boarding (Southwest). The first group disappeared down the jetway. My pulse hastened. The second group was off down the jetway. My heart was racing. For the first time I was starting to think about backing out. My group was called. Sweaty palms and all I started forward all alone. I entered the jetway and saw my demons. I looked him in the eye and said. You lose today. I walked on the plane. WOW! This thing is so small compared to what I remember. I was not ready for that. I thought they were much bigger. I marched forward and I found the seat I desired. It was an aisle seat. I sat down and I took my cell phone out. “Hi, guess what….. I am on the plane” my mom was ecstatic. She now realized that one more vacation with her son was about to happen. We hung up one minute before pushback. The door was now closed. Anxiety was filling me, but I knocked them all down with the knowledge that I had read about and statistics that I was aware of.

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